did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
