Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
