I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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