Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
bring money and cleavage
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
