I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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