I accidentally had phone sex last night
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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