Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
