brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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