Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
