Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize