Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
