I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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