my mouth tastes like poor choices
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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