My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
