It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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