Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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