There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
