you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
