i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
