I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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