We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
