My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
