Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Randomize
