Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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