Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
