from now on my penis is your penis
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
