Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
