What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
