i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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