I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
