If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
