when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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