His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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