I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
