Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
