I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
