i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
