I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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