Rock
Scissors
Fuck
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
