So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You are a genius and a whore.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
