And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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