I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
