dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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