I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
