This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
