I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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