I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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