Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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