My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The struggles of a small town man whore
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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