I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
