A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
