why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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