I don't usually arrange sex via text message
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Drunk is not a location!
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