Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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