plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
love makes seman taste better
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
