u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
