No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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