Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
