Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
