I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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