Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
