So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
