she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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